- **ғαŀ¶¦ήģ §№ψ₣ℓªҜ₤š** ;

Sunday, December 21, 2008

It just feels...

...empty...

Yeah that's the word.

I wondered, what does OCC, JCC, all those hard times before and ahead, what it all means. And I see alot people get to share their acheivements with their girlfriends, their friends and many many people. And yet to me, it all seemed so superficial. No one truly understands what does JCC, OCC means to me. No one I could share with. Not even my platoon mate who think I am weird.

I feel so alone. What am I trying to prove? Getting a 2LT rank means I'm a bigger fuck then the rest of you? No. It just means more psycho session by my dear friends for treats. So why go through so much? Why put myself through Brunei just to get that $1 badge on my uniform? Why work so hard to make people happy? And when the results come, there's no one to share with?

I'm sick and tired of people calling me sir here sir there. Look, I havn't been commission yet and this 3 months I might just fall and break a leg. And if you really want a treat, wait for me to get commissioned first. It just doesn't help with you guys making me feel deceptively respected. I just want to be like you all. Officership doesn't make me a bigger fuck anyway. There are bigger ones above me. And I don't feel a sense of acheivement too. Because no one understands.

At least my family cared...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I thought I was someone who will be happy if I help people. Yet at times, I just feel so rejected. I promised to do reflections during my time in Brunei. And I did thought it through for that many many nights. And all I want is to care for you more, so that I know you are cared for. That will make me happy.And I promised myself just to do that.

Teng Shun said I was a very 'man' person. Everything also let people have first in the end I lose out.

Gan Ther scolded me for having "a heart of gold" and that will only make me get bullied.

Yifang said the girl I am with will be very lucky cause I care alot.

Regina likewise say that when a girl understands you, she will get alot of happiness.

Joel said, "sometimes you should really just fuck care about others, why care so much if they don't care?"

Eidham said, "Yuxi, you don't have to do this," after I went back to them during exercise after getting an infection.

Jian Ming said, "next time don't let people have food first and tell them to take however much they want. You will not have any left."

Yeah, why do I even bother if people 'don't know, don't care, don't give a damn'

Why do I even give my food to others so that they can eat and in the end I was the one pengsan-ed.

Why do I always let people cut my queue and I just smile at them and let them go first.

Why do I keep quiet even though I totally disagree with you.

Why do I always do that extra bit of work when they call me to?

Because

I believe.

I believe that doing something within my capabilities will ease so much of others' burden.

And you know what hurts most? It was when you do not even get the chance to show how much you are willing to go for that person.
Yes Choc, that person is you
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lately morale was abyssimal. I don't know whay I'm dreading this book in like the most extreme ways. I did not enjoy every outing I had during this block leave except perhaps the class one with the guitar hero. I just could not let loose. I thought this will be a nice break for me but it only spells more trouble. I lost my momentum. In fact, I lost my optimism.

Yes I still smile and joked when you all are around.

Who knows if I'm happy inside or not.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And mum's talk give me some answers.

Perhaps my family is still well-off then the others, with no big ups and downs, that's why everything became mundane. Yet not only the parents appreciate me going to OCC, so does my uncles. JCC likewise was suppose to be something personal. It was no message to the big world you are jungle confident. It was a test of self and it was an incident to assure you can do what many can't. There are many that wants to be me but can't. And focus was all on one person to share. Instead, everyone around will be part of it. It is just a different perception. "my boyfriend is an officer" doesn't make the girls around more jealous. "My son is an officer" Dad and mum will be proud, and relatives will all wahs.

And my mum told me, when she was in Taiwan and I was in Brunei, she believed everything was possible after seeing me work around and grow up.

And it was all because I believe in many things people don't.